The emergence of a new year signals civilization’s lapse to several grand traditions including a ancient old one requiring we veteran columnists to run out a attempted though loyal “Ye Olde Predictions Piece.” Either that or a even triter though loyal “Ye Olde Resolutions Piece.” But we wandered down that route final year. And many expected will again in 2015.
Therefore, being a conventionalist ink- stained wretches that we here during Durstco are, it is with good honour and a certain volume of pretentious grace that we respect this worshiped journalistic practice. Hence, here they are: predictions of what to design from several folks during a 5th year of a second decade of a 21st century.
In a year 2014:
Barack Obama will finally inform himself of a complicated weight of high expectations.
Lindsay Lohan will rivet in activities that will trigger a delayed unhappy shake of a control from Charlie Sheen.
Locavore duck wings will turn all a fury during 60 bucks an order.
Hillary Clinton will change her hairdo so that it looks eerily like Elizabeth Warren’s.
A Silicon Valley start- up will trump Twitter by tying users to punctuation marks. “!!!!?!”
The NRA will respond to another meaningless propagandize sharpened by job for a shutting of all schools.
The NSA will ratchet adult their online game- room monitoring to embody Words With Friends.
The TSA will assist newcomer confidence by perfecting a doing of a two handed wedgie.
Starbucks will be suggested to be in joining with Amazon, charged with a idea of gripping consumers adult longer so we can emporium more.
The Justice Department will mangle laws, afterwards control investigations into who told a press about a violation of those laws instead of questioning a crimes stemming from those laws being broken.
John Boehner will inspire a nation’s impoverished to pierce to Mexico for one of a thousands of good US jobs now there.
The Tea Party will still drive America so that it teeters on a domain of a mercantile speed bump.
Justin Bieber will revisit a grave of Mother Jones and announce her a Belieber.
Congress’s Approval Rating will penetrate next a poll’s domain of error.
Washington and Colorado will knowledge a outrageous uptick in taxation profits from a sale of Funyuns and Ho- Hos.
Scientists will interpretation tellurian warming is safeguarding Earth from another Ice Age causing Rush Limbaugh to call for a lapse to diesel- powered toasters.
Chris Christie will speak his approach out of a rabbit trap into a bear trap.
Joe Biden will change his hairdo so it looks eerily like Chris Christie’s.
Kim Jong Un will play indicate ensure for a North Korean National Basketball Team, afterwards govern Dennis Rodman for stepping on his foot.
Anthony Weiner will try another high form quip and people will only laugh.
All 4 Duck Dynasty Boys will enter a 2014 Louisiana US Senate GOP Primary but will hit any other out. Literally.
New Jersey will control trade studies where trade is indeed studied.
Vladimir Putin will win a bullion award in a Sochi Olympics Biathlon Event. And will do it shirtless.
The Airline Industry will make each bid to absolved a skies of a many dangerous confidence hazard famous to man: passengers.
Will Durst is a nationally acclaimed and award- winning domestic comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about some-more about his new CD, “Elect to Laugh” and his calendar of personal appearances.
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from Around The World http://aroundthe-world.info/ye-olde-predictions-piece-circa-2014/
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